What others see that you don’t see
Because believing in yourself can be hard.
A couple years ago, I was getting ready to go back to work after my second mat leave and feeling really anxious about it. There were a number of things on my mind. The mom guilt of leaving my kids in the hands of other caretakers and losing time with them. Only to go back to a painful three-hour commute every day (one and a half hours each way) and a job where I could no longer see a path for growth in my career. It just didn’t seem like a good trade-off.
What I really wanted was to go freelance so I could work from home and have some control over my schedule. I had a few clients that I already started working with on the side but it was nowhere near enough to substitute a full-time job.
I remember spilling all this to my yoga instructor, Ali, when it was just the two of us in class one morning (a yoga and therapy session in one.) I had gotten to know Ali over our many yoga sessions during my mat leave, and she was always so kind and easy to talk to. I’ll never forget what she said to me at the end of class that day:
“I feel like it’s all going to happen for you. I think you’re going to do it.”
I don’t know why, but it caught me off guard. Even though I had been doing the work—pitching clients, working with a coach, journaling—to try and move my life in the direction I wanted, I was still lacking the belief that it would ever happen. And to have someone (especially someone who wasn’t my close friend or husband) say they could see it, when I couldn’t, was unexpected.
It gave me a boost in confidence and motivation because I started to think, if she believes it, then maybe it is possible. I’m not sure Ali realizes how much of an impact her words had, but they really lit a fire under me and gave me the belief in myself I needed to keep going.
Even now, as a full-time freelancer, I’ll go through the occasional ruts, and what pulls me out of them is the support I get from my family and friends and unexpected compliments from strangers. Especially when it comes to writing this newsletter, I often feel self-conscious and doubt what I have to offer when there are so many established writers, stylists and fashion editors on Substack who are better qualified to speak on the subjects I want to cover.
While I love writing the newsletter and have ideas of what I want it to become, I downplay it a lot. My husband, on the other hand, isn’t afraid to tell everyone about it as if it’s the most legitimate publication, and he constantly sends me encouraging videos of Kobe Bryant, Rick Rubin and other successful people who have overcome self-doubt. The videos are helpful, but what really keeps me going is knowing he sees the potential, in me and what I’m creating.
I get the same feeling when friends reach out to let me know what they enjoyed reading in the newsletter or when I receive kind comments and DMs from subscribers. I know this kind of goes against all the talk these days around nurturing self-confidence and not seeking external validation (of course, those are still valid) but sometimes, I think we need to see ourselves through other people’s eyes. To get glimpses of what others might see that we can’t see for ourselves. Sometimes, we can’t be fair critics because we’re too close to our situation, and our inner monologue can be so negative and loud. It can be beneficial to have an outsider’s perspective to help us realize the potential we’re ignoring.
What I’ve realized is this: believing in yourself can be hard, and having people around you to cheer you on makes a difference. So, here’s what I’ll leave you with:
Find good people to surround yourself with and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Be someone who supports friends and others—you never know what impact your words might have.
Believe it when people have kind words to say (don’t assume they’re just trying to be “nice.”)
One last thing
Just wanted to say a quick thanks for subscribing and reading these newsletters. Writing them brings me so much joy, as does hearing from you and knowing you liked reading them, too. So, if you can…
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The line about your husband telling everyone about your Substack really made me smile. Mine does the same (and it sometimes makes me so embarrassed)!!! A good reminder that our family and friends want to support us and cheer us on, just as we want to for them!
Such great advice. I'm so happy you have people in your corner to support you. & thank you for normalizing that believing in yourself is a difficult thing. We're all in this struggle together ♥️